The Life and Times of Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz
by simply-dazzling001
Summary: A look inside the diary of everyone's favorite not-so-evil villain. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

The Life and Times of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: A look inside the diary of everyone's favorite not-so-evil villain.

**Author's Note: I do not own Phineas and Ferb. All I own is Doofenshmirtz's diary and the official Fanfiction-writer-inator. **

Dear Diary,

Hello, my name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and I am an evil genius. I am telling you this because I feel a formal introduction is in order. I purchased you because Vanessa suggested a better use of my free time instead of committing mild acts of mayhem around the Tri-state area. Oh, that reminds me, I tripped my 75th innocent citizen today! I celebrated with an extra scoop of vanilla ice cream after dinner.

But anyway, I'm not working on a big evil scheme at the moment, so I decided to start keeping a diary. I had a diary back in Druelselstein, but the day I bought it was the day of the annual paper airplane contest and people kept tearing out the blank pages to compete with. All that was left of my poor diary was a book with two pages on it, and those were the ones that baby brother Roger used for his eating bib. You know, baby Roger was a very messy eater. He still is.

But getting back to the point, I live nowhere near messy babies or paper airplane contests, so I figure this is a good time to restart this whole diary thing. Well, anyway, I've got to go now because this lousy pen is making my hand cramp up. Curse these crazy new pen designs; whose bright idea was it to make pens two inches tall and four inches wide?

Talk to you soon,

Dr. D

Dear Diary,

Today was one of those weird summer rainy days, so I couldn't go out and spread evil around the Tri-state area like I usually do. I considered robbing all those convenience stores of their umbrellas, but that would mean going out into the rain, and, well, Perry the Platypus ruined my last one. Before I forget, I need to explain Perry the Platypus.

He's my arch-nemesis; they comes with being evil. If you have an arch-nemesis, you really are evil, which has really helped out my self-esteem. The only thing is, he's a platypus! I thought those silly-looking mammals "didn't do much," but he always thwarts my evil plans! It is so embarrassing attending Evil-Con and hearing that my colleagues have defeated their eagle enemies or their angry ladybug enemies, while I'm sitting there flashbacking about being defeated by that dull semi-aquatic mammal!

It's a very frustrating prospect, but I figure, hey, at least I have an arch-nemesis, right? He's actually a very friendly animal, if you get to know him. But of course, being evil, I never try to get to know him. Still, the rain was dampening my evil glee and I was feeling lonely so I invited him over for some tea and cookies. I'm glad that I gave him the spare key to my apartment a couple weeks ago because it really was getting very tiresome to keep explaining to my landlord that a platypus smashed my door open or burst through the ceiling or something crazy-sounding like that. I have enough people thinking I'm nuts already.

Anyway, I'd sent off the video invite to Major Monogram to show Agent P, and within fifteen minutes or so, he'd shown up at my door. He looked at me suspiciously but I told him not to worry, I wasn't up to any evil scheme today. So we sat and enjoyed the tea and cookies while we talked about what was going on in our lives at the time.

I told him about my new diary hobby and I think he did some weird platypus laugh but I couldn't be sure. Soon, however, he had to leave so I bid him farewell and escorted him out. Then I was in the mood for some evil, but with the rain still going on, I couldn't do any evil deeds. I did, however, sit in front of my window and watch the people going to and from office buildings and grocery stores screaming and trying to run from the rain. It was quite enjoyable, even if I wasn't the one causing their misery.

Well, I must go to bed now. Hope the rain stops by tomorrow so I can continue with my usual evil deeds.

Dr. D.

P.S. I got a new pen today, which is why I was able to write longer. I'm selling my old stubby one on the internet so some other person can have hand cramps instead of me! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

**How did you like it? Sorry it was so short; I'll try to make it longer next time. Please review! Right there…. That review button down there. Click it and tell me what you thought of this chapter, or what you'd like to see Dr. Doofenshmirtz do in the next few installments. Also, please check out my profile for more stories! Thanks! **

**~ simply-dazzling001 ~ **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I do not own Phineas and Ferb. Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed! Here's the next chapter!**

Dear Diary,

Today was a very mixed bag. First, the good part: I've put up my pen for sale on the internet and some loser bought it from me for fifty DOLLARS! Ha-ha-ha!!!! I only bought it for fifty _cents_!! This is really, very, wonderfully evil!! Now I can afford more, eviler things, like…well, I don't know right now, but I'll figure something out eventually.

Anyway, now the bad part: I had Vanessa for the weekend and when I told her about my new diary, she laughed at me! Right in my face! Can you believe it? I tried pointing out that she was the one who suggested the diary idea in the first place, but she told me she was kidding and that diaries were for wimps! Me! Evil Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz! A wimp! Well, I suppose I'm not exactly the toughest guy around, but I'm certainly not a wimp!

But anyway, I decided to ignore her and I'll continue writing in this diary, so you have nothing to worry about; I won't abandon you. However, her rude commenting made me quite upset, so to make myself feel better, I went outside and tripped seven more innocent citizens. I felt much, much better after that.

At that time, Vanessa was taking a shower, so I went snooping in her room in the meantime, and do you know what I found? A DIARY! I can't believe it!! I didn't read it, of course, it was locked (Note to self: Purchase lock for diary) and I didn't have time to open it before she came out of the shower, but still! I can't believe she mocked me for having one!!

I wanted to ask her about it when she came out, but then I would have to admit to snooping in her room, and while I was proud of my evil deed for the day, I did not want to cause any more problems, so I kept quiet. Well, I have to go accept that $50 offer for my pen now (Bwa-ha-ha!!), so I'll talk to you later!

Dr. D

Dear Diary,

I found out why that guy offered $50 for my pen today, three days after he bought it. Turns out it was some rare, designer pen from France or something, and only 100 have been made so far. I guess there were some extremely uncommon plastics in that thing that supposedly guaranteed "better writing quality" for the user. Well, I admit, it was a little inky, but I don't think it was worth $50. Oh, well. At least that guy who sold it to me for fifty cents didn't know about it either! Ha-ha! I still have caused some evil! Well, more inconvenient than evil, but still a little evil, at least!

Anyway, I kind of wanted my pen back now, so I'm working on creating a pen-retriever-inator. I researched the plastics in the pen, and as it turns out, they are attracted to the material found in lab coats! Luckily, I have tons of lab coats in my closet because, as you know, evil scientist is definitely my style. I should have my pen-retriever-inator ready in a couple of days, so I'll check back soon to report on my progress.

By the way, I need to set up some better platypus traps in case you-know-who happens to bursts in when I try to retrieve my $50 pen. How does he always seem to know exactly when I'm doing something evil? Hmm…I suppose it has something to do with that camera the Agency installed on my ceiling. I _should_ disable it one of these days, but it's just too much work, you know? I mean I have to find a very tall ladder, then I have to find a screwdriver that fits, then I have to unscrew it from the ceiling and read the instruction manual that came with it, and it- it's just _way_ too much work for a busy person like myself. Anyway, I'll talk to you soon!

Evilly Scheming,

Dr. D

**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Please review and tell me what you think! **


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